Shocker....I'm Thankful....

I know, big stinking deal, I am thankful for some things. I am thankful for a lot....but am I thankful for the right things? For this to make more sense, click here (read Redeemed).

Would I be thankful if bad things had happened to me? My life has been easy. Sure I struggled with infertility - but come on...it was only three years, and I have two kids now. Big whoop. I read a blog today about being thank FOR everything, not just IN everything. I thought to myself, that was easy....My life has been relatively easy. But can I just be honest for a second? Do I really want to know? I don't....not because I don't want God's will. I do. I look back on the tough times my life...rough marriage times, David's burns, our infertility....but that is kind of it. They were rough at the time....but as I sit here tonight, I really don't have anything that was so bad, that I have to work at thanking God for it....so why am I writing this? Because I am scared.....I don't want to be tested. I don't want God to "check and see" if I will be faithful, thankful, loyal, praise him, etc. And that makes me ashamed....I don't want to be tested, not because I don't think I will be faithful, but because I don't want to feel the pain of growth. I am weak....

I also recognize that Satan doesn't attack the weak...he attacks the strong....How sad for me to have snuggled into a safe place of being luke warm...where I won't and cannot grow. I recognize I have let the fear take over and am not trusting God, but I am being honest at the feelings I was having tonight as I read the blog. Yes I am thankful, but could I sit here and say to God I would be thankful if he had taken my son at his birth, instead of letting me take him home?.....I hope so...but I just don't know that I could get to thankful....