This week as you know my Dad had open heart surgery. And the fear didn't just creep in, it jumped into my heart and set up camp. And I let it. I had the worst thoughts flowing in and out of my mind all week while we anticipated Dad's surgery. Finally, Sunday night, I seriously thought I was going to have a break down. I am not kidding. It was one of those, want to scream in your back yard, throw up and then fall down crying times for me. I was so fearful that I would lose my Dad.
My sweet sister Molly was so good to talk me through it. The first thing I learned was that as wonderful as it is that we have an awesome church, family and friend support system. I tended to rely on them too much. I was relying on them for support and for peace. And not God....really ? How did I miss that one? So the first thing I did when we got home from Target (yes another trip to get my mind off the surgery) I got down on my knees, more like my face, and prayed, begged and pleaded with God for peace. Which he provided....
Second, obviously you know that the surgery went well and my Dad is healing remarkably, but after the surgery I had a nagging feeling. How come I couldn't tell the difference between God speaking to me and the negative thoughts? And I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth asking God this very thing....why can't I tell? How can I tell? Help me to know...and clear as day it came to me, "I don't speak in fear". And it was like a light went off in my head....God will never place fearful thoughts in my head, he won't give me sad visions of the future, he just doesn't work that way....THAT is Satan. And another one of those peaceful feelings flowed over me.
One of "those" friends that gets to see my most vulnerable yucky sides of me is my friend Kim. She has seen some of the worst times in life. I am sad to say that the things that have happened to Kim are things I FEAR would happen to me and I couldn't handle them. Yet in the midst of all of the trying times in her life, she taught me something (well a ton of things - but this is just one). Celebrate today, enjoy today, live today, love today....and don't worry about tomorrow or what tomorrow might bring, because you will miss so many of the GOOD things in life. So - my words of wisdom, well they aren't from me. Enjoy this day....and fear not....
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On a better note, Luke William Grunewald made his debut today at Saint Francis. He weighed 7 lbs and 5 ounces, and was 18 inches long. He has brown hair, and in my book he looks just like Greg. He is a little pumpkin. Laura and he are doing well. I keep trying to add a picture, but so far no luck....stupid mac's. Oh well, will try to add one later. Keep Laura in your prayers for quick healing.
10 comments:
Congrats Auntie! Can't wait to meet the new member of the clan.
Love you and SO proud of you. Thank you for sharing what God told you about knowing what's from Him and what's not.
I love you and miss you already. Hate to tell you that Macs aren't stupid...it's probably the operator. {{oooooohhhhh}}
Thanks for sharing that. I too have wondered the same exact thing! Precious nephew auntie Becki!
Becki, thanks for your transparency - God's goodness shines in our times of vulnerability and uncertainty.
And congratulations on being an aunt again!!! So so exciting!
thank u for sharing & congrats on your newest nephew!
So I'm one of those never comment only "lurk" people..but this post really spoke to me today! Thank you so much for your transparency and sharing this experience. I have been (sorta still am) going through a similar type experience with my mother and her health. There were a couple of days that I literally thought, I can't go on, we have to figure out what's going on, and we have to do it NOW! The WORST thoughts would come into my mind with the absolute worst scenarios possible! The day we were to find out the results of her latest test, I too prayed for peace, and it was AMAZING! On my way to work, I just felt a total weight lifted off me, and it was literally like Jesus was sitting right there next to me telling me it's going to be ok. And of course, I get to work and find out the latest test was normal!! When you said that God doesn't speak in fear...THAT'S IT! That is so true and just what I needed to hear today! Sorry for such a long comment, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing this today!
I understand and know too well the fear that creeps oh so suddenly and massively in your life. It can control you, trap you and steal your joy. It's like you said, it is Satan. I too have prayed for God to take my fear away and like a good and faithful Father that He is, he did. Isn't God amazing that way! Congrats Laura! I am with you...I think he looks like Greg!
Praying for your dad!!!
Love ya!
Heather
Glad to hear your Daddy is doing so well. Glad, also, to hear that YOU and God are still on speaking (and listening) terms, now that it's over. Thanks for sharing your struggles.
Wow. Thank you so much for that. (I am a Molly follower and found you there!) I can totally relate to that "fear" talk and have also felt the peace of God overtake that fear, but your words...the way God spoke to you, was exactly what I needed to hear. As a matter of fact, I think I will print that one out in BOLD and plaster it around my house! What a mighty God we serve that He speaks to us in such a way.
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